Tangled in Thoughts

What are the things that I hate about myself? Um, that's a difficult one. The question is not that simple. If I start answering it, doesn't it mean I don't love myself completely? Isn't that harmful for me as a person? So, I am rephrasing it for the better. What are the things or traits that I have that I could change inorder to be a better version of myself? Now, that sounds much better! And clearly doesn't indicate any self-loathing. 1. I am increasingly getting aware of the fact that I can be a very distant person to those whom I love. I am also aware that this tendency is weird, if not strange. The closer I get to a person, the more I am comfortable ignoring the little things that tell them I love them. I am just bad at expressing love. Till I joined college, the thought of hugging people on feeling happy was unthinkable for me. But then, college and new friends happened. And now, I can hug people. (phew!) But I still remain aloof in many other situations. ...

So here I stand, at the gates of College Feeling numb on farewell eve Friendships, romances and heartbreaks These red walls have witnessed it all and more. Funny how a place could mean so much, I wonder As I recount my days spent here Five long years. Long, and yet didn't they pass so fast? With one thing remaining constant: the poor WiFi connectivity! The red fort at Manalimukku with moral policers aplenty The dreaded red place with unbearable heat Horrible WiFi, oily mess food and all that lot 'Twas the inevitable doom at the end of every lazy semester break. Constant denial and a general lack of excitement on every return Till a week into the new semester and the routine kicked in again And slowly you'd blend in again, find fun and joy Within the brick red walls. All the celebrations that happened here All the journeys that began from here All the memories I'll be taking from here From the land of the red walls- Oh, they're too many. Fro...

"Rain, you like watching. Love, you'd like to find. Secretly envying those in relationships. You sly devil, you!" - Said you, once. Long time ago. So long ago that I don't even know when. Do even you even remember me now? This too shall pass, I tell myself. But it's only temporary. Like the waxing and waning. Like the high tide and low tide. It passes but comes back in full vigour. What do I do, oh you sly sly devil! So why bother, I thought. But it's not that easy. Letting you go when you don't even remember me anymore is hard. Tragic. And inexplicably so. 

Here it is, the last post of the year. As always, I am spending another New Year's Eve infront of my laptop listening to "Auld Lang Syne". Every year as midnight of 31st December nears, I wish I were doing something other than crafting personalized New Year messages for friends and family. But every year, that's what I end up doing anyway. It's become my favourite New Year's Eve routine now. The reply messages I get are almost always predictable. There is the plain "Thanks. Happy New Year!", the more excited "Thanksssss!!! Happyyeeee New Yearrrrrr, honey!!!" and sometimes the more festive ones sprinkled with emojis ranging from wine glasses to kissy faces. And ofcourse one or two "Time is just a construct made by us humans that doesn't have any effect on things, man! But anyway, have a good completely arbritarily fixed period!" It's the same every year.  But it's all beautiful. So why should this year be any dif...

Romance is a weird thing. You can never know whether you're doing it right or not. You can only fly where your heart takes you and hope for the best. And I've been flying for too long now, still hoping for the best. The best part of falling head over heels for someone is the sheer absurdity of it and the thrill it gives you. A part of you tells you you're being crazy here and the other says life is all about being crazy and trusting your instincts. To put it simply, it's like a Heart and Brain comic. Except it's all a you versus you that happens here. I have had plenty of such talks with myself and each time the rational me tries to convince the erratic me that the whole act is based on a minuscule of probability of him reciprocating it, my conviction grows stronger that I should not let go. Minuscule or not, there is a probability and that's all that I need! Why am I writing this now? One day if I should feel sad about this,  one day if I should be rejected...

If you are a person who wears bra, has an idea about the concept of cup sizes and has atleast once tried bra shopping in any textile store in Kerala, you will know what I am talking about. You know the drill. You go to any textile store and ask for a bra. It's a piece of clothing, how hard can it be to get a proper one? True, if you have no idea as to what your actual cup size is, you can go home with whatever the sales person tries to show you. But goodness forbid if you specify your required cup size, well there starts the trouble. The salesperson first gives you a look as though you just suggested something direly inappropriate. The next step is usually an awkward pause proceeded by the statement "We don't have anything in cup sizes other than A". If you are a bit fortunate they might have something in B. This is the point where you make a "meh" face, say thank you anyway and walk out. If the Gods are in your favour, the store might just have the ...

Drifting aimlessly like a loose kite Resolves once made floating about Like clouds scattered around. Journals, planners and diaries lie around Giving an illusion that you got things together. Comfortable lies you tell yourself and the world. Give it time, things unravel at their own pace Life begins when you let go. Oh, but never admit you're lazy. Never admit you are not doing enough. Even when you're convinced of it. Keep your cool and believe in them- Comfortable lies you tell yourself and the world.