Delulu is not the solulu

Delulu (noun): Delusion

Also Delulu (adj): Delusional 

Solulu (noun): Solution 

Delulu is the solulu. So goes a popular meme on social media. What this means is mostly upto the reader's or the writer's interpretation. Other similar memes also indicate that 'main character delulu' is a 'thing'. 

Recently, when I was travelling in a metro train at night, I caught a reflection of myself on the window opposite to my seat. It suddenly dawned on me, that it'd been eons since I imagined myself as if I were a movie heroine looking pensive out of the window of a moving vehicle. It used to be my favourite pass time during school days. Later in college years, even as there came an upgrade in life in the form of owning a mobile phone and a set of earphones for myself, this hobby remained. The only change was that around this time, I would also have a person in mind to substitute for the hero in my imagination. 

How did I come to abandon this silly mental exercise over the years, when it was all that I did for the longest time, whenever I had to travel. These days, existential thoughts and questions seem to have taken its place instead. I am afterall, an overthinker and a needless worrier according to some. I, however, feel like I do not give myself enough time to sit and think about things. That is why the realisation struck me rather deeply while sitting in the metro. I had an hour or so to pass and my mobile phone was on such low levels of battery that I had to conserve it till I reached my destination. And so, for lack of options, I sat patiently with my thoughts and enjoyed my own company in that ladies' compartment. As time passed and the compartment got filled gradually, my mind wandered aimlessly moving from one curious thought to another. 

I thought about how I used to think that my parents had it all figured out when I was a kid. When I joined kindergarten, my mom was probably just a year older than I am today. How did she appear so responsible and confident? How did my dad know the exact solution to every problem I ever had while growing up? They were invincible, weren't they? They were super-humans. They were out for work, they were buying things, travelling, driving. And then they were at home managing children and household chores, they were cooking, cleaning and taking care of people. The list of things that they were capable of doing was endless. There was nothing they could not do. It was such an incontrovertible truth to me as a kid. Nobody could have convinced me that they did not know the solution to everything or that there were things that they were struggling with on a day-to-day basis. The belief has remained so unshaken that even today, if I entrust my parents with something, it is a huge relief mentally. To entertain the more probable truth, that they were also taking it one day at a time and figuring out things as they grew older, is weird even as an adult. 

But then why did I not feel the same way about myself? A part of me said, I also do all these things, don't I? But another part of me reminded; I get overwhelmed at times by the thought of the smallest of things that come up off-track. I thought of all the bill reminders that I would routinely ignore and then forget to pay on time. Everytime I would end up paying a fine for late payment on a bill, I would think of how promptly my parents used to pay bills. Perhaps the lethargy is attributable to social media fatigue or information fatigue, as a colleague once told me. I am, after all, constantly present in so many communication loops in the form of emails, whatsapp messages and other social media. My parents weren't. Or perhaps, it is just an excuse that our generation has found to escape into a pseudo reality that mimics our happier days from high school and college. Social media lets us be in touch with our best friends whom we haven't had the chance to see in years. 

Perhaps, my friends who have children indeed appear to be invincible super-humans to their children. I wondered how it might feel to be the recipient of godlike worship and validation from someone. 

As I thought of all these things, my eyes wandered around the compartment. I thought of a funny exercise. I wondered what each of those women around me might look like had we been living a century ago or so. Imaginary traditional sarees, ghoongats and thattams took over their chic or formal looking outfits. Imaginary bindis, necklaces and bangles followed, in various styles and metals and colours. I imagined their hair to be in traditional styles; I gave pig tails with ribbons to some, tied up and oiled style to some others, half braids to someone else and so on. Would they have been carrying baskets made of bamboo/ grass or would they have preferred to carry vintage iron suitcases? Would I have found an occasional rebellious woman who might have defied the norms and been travelling to her college or office instead? 

What would I have looked like in this bizarre alternate timeline? Would I have been wearing the typical Kerala mundu and mel mundu, thoda earrings etc.? Would my hair be oiled, combed slick and tied into a bun or would I have left it partially open and adorned it with seasonal flowers? Upto what age would I have been allowed to go to school? What kind of things would I have been taught there? Would I ever have got to read and write in English? Would I have read anything other than religious texts or self-help books that were meant to mold girls into "good wives" or whatever it was that was deemed to be appropriate literature for young girls back then? Would I have known anything better than a domestic life? How many kids would I have had by this age? In that imaginary world, I would probably be considered a respectable middle-aged woman if I had married and had kids by this age. But what if I am already considered an oldie in this current timeline too? I shuddered at the thought. 

What about a more recent time period such as the 70s or the 80s? If I were a young adult then, how would my life and career have looked like? Would I have been satisfied with a domestic life and not yearned for making a mark in the world in terms of higher education or career? Would I have gleefully sacrificed a potential career for the joy of making a home and raising children? Would I have had avenues to keep in touch with my friends after graduation from school and college? With only letters and postcards as channels of communication, my contact with friends would surely have dwindled with each passing year since graduation. I cannot deny it, a world without the need for validation from peers does sound appealing, but it would have been akin to an information black box as well. In that alternate universe, would not my social circle be limited to that of my husband's? It might also include more relatives than friends. And if I were surrounded mostly by people who thought it a better exercise to pursue domestic lives rather than advancing in career, would I have followed that path too? Or worse, would I have followed that path and later come to regret it? 

The announcement on the train brought me back to reality. I had to exit at the next station. Perhaps, it was better to leave these thoughts be. Welcome them when they come unannounced, let them simmer for a while and watch them retreat into wherever it is that the ghosts of all strange and silly thoughts disappear to. As I walked out of the train, I couldn't help but reminisce the times when zoning out involved only imagining myself as the heroine of movies and songs. Simpler days, I sighed, and swiped my metro card at the station exit gate.