Tangled in Thoughts

2017 is coming to an end. As every year draws to the end, I usually think about how fast the year went. But not this time. Possibly because a lot of things happened this year. I graduated from college and officially became an adult, working and all, albeit a dysfunctional one (still counts, I guess). Thank heavens for technology for without it, I would have gone insane in this madly fast city. Technology is what keeps me close to the people I love and care about, while living afar. Transport can only take you so far with  time and money constraints. Alone and canoeing away slowly, trying to not fall into chasms on the way, in what seems like a never ending flood. That's how it feels, living here on my own. It's been tough. It's been taxing. It's been humbling. Living on my own in a city so far away from home has been a lot of things. The limitless city is still out of my limits, it seems. Here's to a better year. Thanks to the ones who have been helping me ke...

Being someone who was born and brought up in Kerala, I was never a big fan of the home land nostalgia which has a prominent place in the Malayali pop culture. Having spent 23 years of my life here, I never realized I had taken a lot of things for granted. It took me a short span of stay in Mumbai to finally see what everyone else saw in God's Own Country. I remember travelling in a train on my first home coming and gazing at the scenic beauty all around. The evening sun shone golden upon the expanse of lakes and paddy fields lined with coconut trees. I remember feeling awestruck by the beauty of the view and thinking "This is why people love touring in Kerala! It's pleasant greenery all around." I am in Kerala for my short Diwali break of 5 days and the peace of mind I have been experiencing since I landed here is unparalleled. I'm pretty sure, had I been from some other state, I would have said the same about that state but the point is the mental happiness ...

What are the things that I hate about myself? Um, that's a difficult one. The question is not that simple. If I start answering it, doesn't it mean I don't love myself completely? Isn't that harmful for me as a person? So, I am rephrasing it for the better. What are the things or traits that I have that I could change inorder to be a better version of myself? Now, that sounds much better! And clearly doesn't indicate any self-loathing. 1. I am increasingly getting aware of the fact that I can be a very distant person to those whom I love. I am also aware that this tendency is weird, if not strange. The closer I get to a person, the more I am comfortable ignoring the little things that tell them I love them. I am just bad at expressing love. Till I joined college, the thought of hugging people on feeling happy was unthinkable for me. But then, college and new friends happened. And now, I can hug people. (phew!) But I still remain aloof in many other situations. ...

So here I stand, at the gates of College Feeling numb on farewell eve Friendships, romances and heartbreaks These red walls have witnessed it all and more. Funny how a place could mean so much, I wonder As I recount my days spent here Five long years. Long, and yet didn't they pass so fast? With one thing remaining constant: the poor WiFi connectivity! The red fort at Manalimukku with moral policers aplenty The dreaded red place with unbearable heat Horrible WiFi, oily mess food and all that lot 'Twas the inevitable doom at the end of every lazy semester break. Constant denial and a general lack of excitement on every return Till a week into the new semester and the routine kicked in again And slowly you'd blend in again, find fun and joy Within the brick red walls. All the celebrations that happened here All the journeys that began from here All the memories I'll be taking from here From the land of the red walls- Oh, they're too many. Fro...

"Rain, you like watching. Love, you'd like to find. Secretly envying those in relationships. You sly devil, you!" - Said you, once. Long time ago. So long ago that I don't even know when. Do even you even remember me now? This too shall pass, I tell myself. But it's only temporary. Like the waxing and waning. Like the high tide and low tide. It passes but comes back in full vigour. What do I do, oh you sly sly devil! So why bother, I thought. But it's not that easy. Letting you go when you don't even remember me anymore is hard. Tragic. And inexplicably so.