Of Vodafone Kerala's Unfathomable Ordeals

Being Vodafone Kerala circle's postpaid customer is an unending test of patience. And I am but a meek student who is failing the trials that are being administered to me so voluntarily and readily by Vodafone Kerala (read, not what I signed up for). This is the story of how I, who was an unassuming and a generally satisfied customer of Vodafone, was led to embark upon a journey of realisation with Vodafone Kerala circle. 

It could only have been destiny that brought me to this ultimate spiritual centre but I just did not know it yet when I made the momentous decision to shift from Vodafone Mumbai circle to Vodafone Kerala circle. How doltish of me to view the act of changing my customer care circle simply as an issue of practicality! But it matters not now for this is how we learn things. 

For no explainable reason, I decided to adult the eff up and get some issues with my bank sorted on a random day during the court vacations that I would have otherwise spent sleeping and generally wasting time. I had to visit the Palarivattom branch of the bank which was the closest to my house. On my return from the bank, what should I see but a huge red rectangular board with the word 'Vodafone' written just opposite the bank. I thought to myself, 'Lucky. Now I can finally get that vodafone number shifted to Kerala and change my plan." (for which I was too lazy to make an application for so long, but I digress.)

As soon as I entered the store, I was stopped by the security guard who asked me about the issue for which I was visiting the store and gave me a token based on that. My token was 7-8 numbers away from the customer who was being attended to then. Though the store had about 5-6 counters, only two counters had staff personnel and the rest were occupied by other customers who were, like me, waiting for their turns. This, I realise in hindsight, was my first test. But I was not bothered much then because I did not have any pressing matter to attend to right away other than my stomach which was making hungry noises. The naive me thought my turn would arrive in another half an hour or so, but I was wrong for this store was not like any other regular mobile service provider's store. Things happened at a different pace here, as I soon learnt.

Inside that store, on that fateful December day afternoon, seconds turned to minutes, which slowly became an hour and I was nowhere close to being called. I pacified myself by thinking of all the other customers waiting for their turns. After about 2 excruciatingly long hours which felt like an eternity, I was finally called. The staff personnel took about half an hour with me to change my sim and plan. I wondered if the customers behind me were cursing me for playing a part in this game of delays. This was only the beginning of the unending tests that would follow. 

In the days that followed, as I waited for my former Mumbai based sim to get deactivated, the Vodafone Mumbai centre personnel called me and spent almost half an hour trying to dissuade me from making a jump from their circle to the Kerala circle. It did give me second thoughts as to whether I should go ahead with my decision or not. But there must have surely been some spiritual intervention because I ended up not not listening to that foretelling piece of advice. I dismissed Vodafone Mumbai's discouragement as mere concerns over losing a customer and went ahead with my decision to shift to the Kerala circle. Destiny, I tell you!  

A couple of days later, when I faced issues with internet connectivity, I understood that Vodafone Kerala does not have any straight forward system of reaching their customer care services. One could dial all their toll free numbers and receive nothing but automated messages. Only the strong and the patient manage to not fall into a loop of the automated messages that offer no real help. If you do manage to cross this ingenious hurdle, and are meticulous enough to search thoroughly on their website or app, you will find an alternate system of lodging complaints by way of emails. Each email you send begets you an automated response with the assurance of a phone call from a customer care executive in the following days. My first complaint lodged via email was taken care of easily which led me to believe that it was an effective method of resolving customer complaints. Little did I know, this was only a beginner's concession extended to me and my real tests would be nothing like this.

A couple of weeks later, all services on my phone were disconnected abruptly; I could not call or message anyone. Nor could I use the internet. Oblivious to the rules of the trial, I lodged an email complaint expecting a quick resolution like before. I did not yet know that it was a brilliantly crafted test with so many smaller tests. Two days since my email, a customer care person called me and gave me instructions to follow to get the issue resolved. I followed those promptly and found to my disappointment that the issue of no connectivity persisted. I tried calling the customer care person on the number through which they had called me but I was simply told that the number did not exist or so. Yet another intelligent trick in this meticulously planned ordeal! And so, I had to write a follow-up email which obtained an automated message in response. It is from this point onward that the game really tightened. The customer care people would contact me with assurances of an early resolution or requests to visit the store with more documents. As the issue remained unresolved despite following their instructions, I was forced to send emails again. 

However, I must laud the company's effort in promptly reminding me of paying my outstanding bill for the month within the due date in between all this. They even made a human being working there contact me for this reminder. At every possible personal interaction with a Vodafone employee, I would narrate my woes. I would explain to them of how I was prevented from using any service on my number. And all of them would apologize and calmly assure me that the issue had been escalated by them. The cycle continued. 

Today is the 21st day since my services have been disrupted. Despite doing everything that's been asked of me to do by the customer care personnel, the services on my phone are yet to be re-activated. I was also somehow able to get hold of Vodafone's Kerala state customer care number. On dialling them, I was simply informed that I would have to visit the Palarivattom Vodafone store itself to understand the issue or to even cancel my sim.  

I had thought of this entire episode as a case of serious inaction on reported customer grievances till a short while ago. But now, it suddenly dawned on me that this whole experience holds much a much deeper significance. I am truly humbled by the realisation that the underlying philosophy behind it all is attainment of true stoicism in life. It is this epiphany that's driven me to write this here. 

It is only that customer who pays the bill on time with no complaints about the lack of service on their phone who achieves complete equanimity. Money is but a thing of worldly pleasures and it is only after losing all material things that we will begin to see the truth of life. What matters if I cannot make phone calls, message anyone or use internet? There's more to life than being a slave to my phone. Time has come for me to go out there and interact with friends  family those customer care personnel by personally visiting the store. After all, can the after office hours I used to spend binge watching Key and Peele videos even compare to the joy of indulging in personal interactions out of sheer necessity? This is all a game to get a step closer to being one with all that is pure and unaffected by technology. Cosmic truths are hard to discover and harder to imbibe. 

Having failed spectacularly in these trials and tribulations so far, I do not know if I have the resilience and strength in me anymore to visit the store for cancelling my sim and in turn subject myself to the test of patience once again. 

O Vodafone Kerala, thou art a pain in the ass!